..post friends syndrome...

5am friday morning
thursday night far from sleep
i'm still up and driving
can't go home obviously
so i'll just change direction
cause they'll soon know where i live
and i wanna live
got a full tank and some chips

Tori Amos - Me and a Gun

And I'm here, back home after a night full of...Actually, full of what?
Thoughts? Dreams? I've spent a few lovely hours with some of my old friends, and when I say old I mean that I know them for more then 2 years. Didn't have many friends before, not such I would like to remember, but that's not the point here. It was good to see, that they are still together after 2 years, and they look as much in love as when I've seen them together the first time.
Somehow I envy them, I would like to have someone by my side, but it's impossible now and I think it also won't be possible in the future. Still, I just can't get used to being alone, even though I'm alone as long as I can remember. One can say: as long as you have your friends you're not alone, but this just isn't true. OK, you can spend some wonderful time with your friends, but it'll never be like, like what? I don't know the feeling when you're together with someone you love, however there's a strange feeling inside me what it could be like. Ehhh, nevermind. After all - you must live the life you were given, because there's no other one to live...

Maybe let me change the topic of this post, I can always write more later.
Expect some changes to Planet PLD because I handed over everything related to it to Patrys. Of course if he agrees I will still handle some adminsitration tasks, like adding new journals, etc. but all the design work is his domain now (not that I would ever have time to fix the current layout :P).

..the outsider..

Disconnect and self destruct, one bullet at a time
What's your hurry, everyone will have his day to die
If you choose to pull the trigger, should your drama prove sincere
Do it somewhere far away from here

a perfect circle

Sometimes I feel like I'm the outsider here and maybe I am.
I think that I'm missing something, while I try to live a different life. But it's still a life - who decides that one is better from another? On the other hand one can define a bad lifestyle, a bad life is when it destroys your body and soul. When your first thought after waking up is I hope this day will end soon or when you think that you must drink something just to get up. I had no job for some time and I must say it was horrible, you wake up and you just don't have anything to do, so you stay in bed as long as you can. Maybe it was just a depression, but still it was a life...

Tori Amos, life, the universe and everything

I'm not in love
so don't forget it
it's just a silly phase
i'm going through
and just because
i call you up
don't get me wrong
don't think you got it made
i'm not in love, no
it's because...

I'm still under the influence of Tori Amos and Sigur Ros, but (why there's always a "but"?) somehow it makes me worry. Worry about the friends I've lost just because I was such a dumb ass. I couldn't make their lifes better, a little more interesting - in the end I've just made them sad.
Now I get the chance to fix some of my mistakes, they won't be forgotten but maybe I can just apologize...